Editor’s note: This is SATIRE, just to be sure… just to be sure.
by Kim Skeltys (© 2021)
Australian school kids will now have the chance to play “the thrilling new sport of Russian Roulette” Health Minister Greg Hunt has announced.
Mr Hunt said $10 billion has been spent on providing all schools with revolvers and ammunition, generously supplied by arms manufacturer Murderna.
“Now all Australian children will have the exciting opportunity to play with loaded guns” said Mr Hunt.
Mr Hunt denied that the sport was dangerous, as the revolvers had been specially modified to have 10 chambers instead of 6, making them “very safe”.
And as an extra safety measure, some of the guns would only contain blanks to “greatly reduce the chance of death and injury.”
“Rigorous trials testing the game on children have been conducted by Murderna,” said Mr Hunt, “And using these ‘child-safe’ revolvers, child fatalities were very rare,” Mr Hunt said.
Although it was true that one school girl in the trial did end up in a wheelchair, Mr Hunt said “Statistically, children have excellent odds of surviving the game.”
As an added precaution, each school will have its own ambulance and team of paramedics on standby.
However, if any child was unlucky enough to be injured by the first shot, they would not be required to get a second.
“The welfare of children is always our paramount concern,” said Mr Hunt.
Mr Hunt said the Federal Government had plans to introduce further novel sports for children into the school curriculum in the near future, including the William Tell Game – free apples and crossbows would be provided – defusing live time bombs, and a cross country run across a minefield.
A multi-million-dollar contract had already been signed with a prosthetic limbs manufacturer in readiness.
“For some children, the cross-country run will be ideal preparation for competing in one-legged races,” said Mr Hunt.
“And what child wouldn’t love to be William Tell, and have a go at shooting an apple off his classmate’s head with a real crossbow?”
Even if the child misfired and the arrow ended up in the heart, paramedics were well trained to deal with such an emergency, said Mr Hunt.
“After all they’ve had lots of practice treating cardiomyopathy of the heart in kids after the covid vaccines,” he said.